Jokes Of the Day Page 2
Daily (SON) Jokes
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06-04-19
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Marriage
Some Marriage’s Insights
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
— Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
— Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was
water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said,
“In the lake.”
— Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured
at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I
was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to
interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.???
05-04-19
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Pregnancy Test
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now…
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire…
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him, “Awww, my honey is so depressed… here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight… and remember that this happens only once… ok?… don’t think about it again.”
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment,
“She said this is not enough, she wants sixty.”
The wife’s face slowly turns red with anger, “Damn that bitch… when she was pregnant and her husband came over here… I only charged him fifty…”
04-04-19
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Toilet (er)
A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife : Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!! What happened, did you run out of toilet paper? No, restart the router, please!?
03-04-19
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Genie
Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle, he opens it and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 1000 years. As a reward you can make a wish.” Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East. The Genie replies, “I don’t know I can do a lot, but this? Dont you have another wish?” Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us. The Genie says, “Let me see that map again.”????
02-04-19
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CROSS
Little Johnny was failing his classes so his mom decided to put him in a Catholic
school. About a month later when Little Johnny’s mom recieved his report card he got all A’s and B’s.
Astonished, Little Johnny’s mom asked him “How did you get all these good grades?” Little Johnny replied “Well, when I saw the man hanging from the cross I knew they meant business!”??
01-04-19
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NIGHTMARE
Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: Up! Quick! My husband is back! Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: Damn, I am the husband!????
31-03-19
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English Questions
Who said that english is easy… fill in this blank with YES or NO…
- __________ I don’t have a brain.
- __________ I don’t have sense.
- __________ I am stupid.
30-03-19
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EVERYBODY
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!???
29-03-19
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NOT AGAIN
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost $45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said “ship her home”. Shocked, the undertaker asked “but sir, why dont you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?” The husband replied “a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead … I cant take the chance !”???
28-03-19
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LOAN
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. If you had ten dollars, said the teacher, and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left? Ten, said Little Johnny firmly. Ten? the teacher said How do you make it ten? Well, replied Little Johnny You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesnt mean youll get it!???
27-03-19
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CIA MISSION
The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances,” he explains. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man is horrified, “You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” says the proctor, “youre definitely not the right man for this job then.” The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances,” the proctor explains. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. “I wanted to do it I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job.” Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, shes fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet. The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, “Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”???
26-03-19
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MY GRANDPA
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own damn business!”??
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