- Here comes little Johnny’s Funny Jokes that will make you forget your day’s Stress.
- Little Johnny is a Clever little boy who is so good in gambling and trouble making.
- Here we compiled his funniest jokes that will surely make your day, just give Johnny a minute and see if you can still check your chat box in the next 30 mins.
|ShootOut Now Jokes|
The Teacher asked Little Johnny, How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Little Johnny replied, Just Don’t bite any.
- Johnny’s Bet
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.” “DAMN!” said the father. “Whats wrong?”, the teacher asked. Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning that Motherf**ker bet me $100.00 he would see his teachers butt before the day was over!”
- The Dumb Beach
A mother and father took Little johnny to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told Little johnny, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Little johnny, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Johnny: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Johnny: No, but the kid who sits next to me was Absent.
- The Unknown
A teacher said to her class, “Right, i’m going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red.” Little Johnny’s hand shot up, but he was ignored. “Its a plum miss,” said a girl. “no it’s an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green.” The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, “Its a kiwi miss.” No, it’s a guana, but i like your thinking.” Little Johnny said, ” I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib.” “Johny, that’s disgusting!” shouted the teacher. ” no it’s a match, but i like your thinking.” Said Little Johnny.
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. If you had ten dollars, said the teacher, and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left? Ten, said Little Johnny firmly. Ten? the teacher said How do you make it ten? Well, replied Little Johnny You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesnt mean youll get it!
- The Maid
“Hey, Mom,” asked Little Johnny, “can you give me twenty dollars?” “Certainly not!” answered his mother. “If you do,” Little Johnny went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”
His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? what did he say?” “He said, ‘Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'”
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raises his hand and says, “Hes in Heaven.” Mary answers, “Hes in my heart.” Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “Hes in our bathroom!” The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. “Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”
- Business Time
Little Johnny was failing his classes so his mom decided to put him in a Catholic
school. About a month later when Little Johnny’s mom received his report card he got all A’s and B’s.
Astonished, Little Johnny’s mom asked him “How did you get all these good grades?” Little Johnny replied “Well, when I saw the man hanging from the cross I knew they meant business!”
- Son of a bitch
Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, she called Little Johnny’s teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in class?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four.”
- Nuclear Power
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first.” “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” “Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.” “Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
- Lie Vs Ĺië
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and whats worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didnt clean it and freeze it, my mom wouldve been angry. Thats why Im so late”. The teacher promptly takes him to the principals office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?” Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, thats my dog Sparky. Thats his third bear this week.”
- Report Card
Little Johnny’s father said, “let me see your report card.”
Johnny replied, “I don’t have it.”
“Why not?” His father asked.
“My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
- Wrong Laugh
Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asked “What’s the matter?” “Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer,” he said through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” his mother said, “and a big boy like you shouldn’t cry about that. Why didn’t you just laugh?” “I did!” cried Johnny.
- Dad of the Day
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!
Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. “When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites.” “Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked. “Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it.”
- Who said that?
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.??
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and
will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!”
Johnny: “BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?”
- Drop Dead
Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack.All his friends didn’t know how to break the news to his wife, finally Johnny said: ‘I can be diplomatic about it and break the news gently!’.Johnny rang the bell at Tim’s house, and when his wife answered the door, he calmly said to her: ‘Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!’ When Tim’s wife heard this she said: ‘Tell him to just drop dead!’ Johnny answered: ‘That’s exactly what he did!’.
One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence. So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors. Another little boy raised his hand and said “the leaves on the trees are absolutely green” the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year. Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts,the teachers said no, I don’t believe so.And Little Johnny said,” well then I absolutely just sh*t in my pants!!!!”
- Oral Test
Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he’d done so wellduring the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they givehim an oral exam to make up for the test he’d missed. The principalagrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about theoral test.First the teacher asks, “Johnny what does a cow have four of, that Ionly have two of?”Johnny replies, “Legs.”So the teacher asks, “Johnny, what do you have in your pants that Idon’t have in my pants?””Pockets,” Johnny replies.Finally the teacher asks, “And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?””Rome,” is his answer.With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks,”Well, shall we pass him?””Better not ask me,” the principal says, “I got the first two wrong!”
George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”
A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”
“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.
“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”
- The Driver
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, “He was born in a manger. ” Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple. ” Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it. “Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny? “From my Daddy,” said Johnny. “Yesterday we were driving down the highway,and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him,’Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive!”
- Screw Up
“Teacher: Who is your father?”