Jokes Of The Day Page 4

Daily (SON) Jokes

18-05-19
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GENIUS
A blonde calls her mom…  Blonde: Mom mom!! I’m a genius!  Mother: Really dear? How’s that possible?  Blonde: I finished a puzzle that I’ve been working on for 1 year and on the box it said ‘for 2-5 yrs’.????



17-05-19

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SURGEON vs MECHANIC
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doctor, can I ask you a question?”The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doctor, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix ’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…”Try doing it with the engine running.”?



16-05-19
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BROTHER
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can’t do it because he’s her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, “Mom… What have you been doing all your life? Dad’s been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can’t marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!”

Her mom replies, “Don’t worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn’t really your dad.”????


15-05-19
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YOUR MOMA
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”?????

14-05-19
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BROTHER’S
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can’t do it because he’s her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, “Mom… What have you been doing all your life? Dad’s been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can’t marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!”

Her mom replies, “Don’t worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn’t really your dad.”????



13-05-19
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DOG
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.  Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.????



12-05-19
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CORGI
Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. 

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. “You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,” said the genie. “As a reward I shall grant you one wish.” 

“Well,” said the Prince, “I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.”

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. “Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?” the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. “This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?”

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. “I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,” said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. “But now I love this woman called Camilla,” and he showed the genie the second photo. 

“You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?”

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, “Let’s have a look at that dog again.”?????




11-05-19
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ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? 

Let’s face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught,Why didn’t the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race(Which of course isn’t a race at all)That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this observation,It ends.?







10-05-19
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GROOM
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. “Can I see your license and registration, bub? “, the cop inquired. “But officer,” the fellow started, “I can explain… “Shut yer trap, bub! ” snapped the officer. “You’re going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back. “But, officer, I think you really should know… “And I said to shut your trap! You’re going to jail! “A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,”Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back. “Don’t count on it,” shot back the sap in the cell. “I’m the groom. “???



09-05-19
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TAXI
Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.   The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them: “we have arrived”.   The first man gave him money.  The second one thanked the taxi driver.   The third one slapped him (the taxi driver).   The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didnt move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man: “what was that for?”.   The drunken man replied: “control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!”????



08-05-19
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Era
I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.????



07-05-19
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OFF
Two factory workers are talking.  The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”  The man replies, “And how would you do that?”  The woman says, “Just wait and see.”   She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.  The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”  The woman replies, “Im a light bulb.”  The boss then says, “Youve been working so much that youve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”  The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”  The man says, “Im going home, too. I cant work in the dark.”???



06-05-19
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Penny
A man is talking to God.  “God, how long is a million years?”   God answers, “To me, its about a minute.”  “God, how much is a million dollars?”   “To me, its a penny.”   “God, may I have a penny?”  “Wait a minute.”???

05-05-19
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Cheque Book
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.   He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.   The old man said, “I dont think you understand, I want something very special.”   At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.   “Heres a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.   The young ladys eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.   The old man seeing this said, “Well take it.”   The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check.   “I know you need to make sure the check is good, so Ill write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and Ill pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.   Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.   “Theres no money in that account.”   “I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”????


04-05-19
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Awkward Situation
A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife.  See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation!  So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man?  No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!????

03-05-19
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DON’T FUCK UP
10 Facts About You:  

1. Youre reading this now.   
2. Youre realizing that this is a stupid fact.   
4. You didnt notice I skipped number 3
5. Youre checking now.   
6. Youre smiling.   
7. Youre still reading this even though it is stupid.   
9. You didnt realize I skipped  number 8.   
10. Youre checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.   
11. Youre enjoying this.   
12. You didnt realize I said 10 facts not 12.
I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU?????


02-05-19
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NEW GENERATION
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.????


01-05-19
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PROOF
A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up.   What should I do?’   ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.   ‘Nope,’ replied the man.   ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.   ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man.  ‘Precisely.   That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”????


30-04-19
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Criminal Lawyers
“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.””Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”????



29-04-19
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Back to the Past
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. James, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant- about 4 months, would be my guess.” The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?” Darla replies, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!” The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”????


28-04-19
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LETTER TO DAD
A father passing by his sons bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, Dad. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:    “Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that Im writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.  Ive been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.  But its not only the passion, Dad. Shes pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.  Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesnt really hurt anyone. Well be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.  In the meantime, well pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!  Dont worry Dad, Im 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, Im sure well be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.  Love, your son, Joshua.    P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. Im over at Jasons house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report thats on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!”????