Women’s Jokes

ShootOut Now: Women Jokes

The funniest jokes about our most beautiful beings.

Here are the most hilarious women jokes that can snatch your next 30 minutes away from you, feel free and make your day a joyful one with our awesome women’s jokes.

Warning; This jokes are highly contagious, they might send you crushing down with an explosive laughter.

  • AGE

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?  At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.  At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.  At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.  At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.  At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.  At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.  At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!???


Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. 
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.???


A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.  “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. Its easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you whats inside.” The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thin.”  The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.  The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.”  Still, this isnt good enough so the friends continue on up.  They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.”  They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.  On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.”  The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.  Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”????


I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I’ll just beat him to death.?


Girls are like an internet virus:  they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile…???


Agnes married and had 13 children.   When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.   Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.   Alas, she finally died.  Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.   He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together.  One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”   The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”?????


A very caring sentence written on the T-Shirt of a girl walking on the road.  “You are not looking at the road right now, please be careful.”?


Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?  He died laughing before he could tell anybody.??


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.   A successful woman is one who can find such a man.?

  • HARD

What’s long and hard and excites a girl when she’s finally lucky enough to get on it? The road to success!?
What were you thinking? Dirty Minds???


I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.???


A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long

black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully

approached the woman walking the dog and said,
“I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
funeral is it?”

“My husband’s.”

“What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was

trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line.”????


Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?  Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.???


Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain.   On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.??


Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: “TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00.”  A policeman stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.  Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.”  One of the girls asked the cop, “Why don’t you stop them?”  “Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”  The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.  The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.   This time the sign read: “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.”???


A man knocked on a door an a women answered and he asked if he could use her toilet.   She said you have 3 chances, if you do 3 things wrong I`ll call the police.   So he went to piss but on the flush chain there was a bra so he ripped it off.   Then when he was walking down the stairs he saw her cat called Boobs on the step & he hates cats so he squezed it & then threw it up the stairs.   He then went in the kitchen where the women was & the women said why did you throw my cat up the stairs?   He said I don`t know.   While she went to get it, on the table was a glass of milk which he then drank.   When the women came back she said you had your 3 chances now Im calling the Police.   When the police came they asked her what the man had done. She said this man has ripped her bra off, squezed her Boobs and drank her milk.?


At a dancing party a shy boy approached  a girl and asked, “Will you dance with me, please?”  The arrogant girl says, “I don’t dance with a kid.”  The taken back boy apologized, “I am sorry, I did not realize you were pregnant.”???


Lady: Is this my train?  Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.  Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.  Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.?

  • BOSS

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.   They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.   The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you one.”  “Me first!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise.”  Poof! Shes gone.  “Me next!” says the associate. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.”  Poof! Hes gone.  “You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.  The partner says: “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”??


A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who’ll predict her future:  Lady, I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.  Don’t tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!???


A Joke author compiled one of his most hilarious jokes and decide to take them online for the world to see, after successful publishing he takes the content to his media account and pose a caption “Share this to your friends”

Share mine too my angel, you know I never supported all this shit. I just test those crazy guys????




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