Jokes Of The Day Page 3 - ShootOut Now
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    Jokes Of The Day Page 3

                                                           


    Daily (SON) Jokes




    Visit everyday to get a daily digest of funny jokes

    27-04-19

    👇
    LAWYER IN HEAVEN
    A Nigerian Lawyer died and arrived at the heavenly gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave some money to a beggar on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave another beggar some money." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 5 naira and tell him to go to Hell."😁😂😂

    26-04-19

    👇
    The Farmer's Horse
    There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat. One day, the horse became ill. So he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the third day and if he's not better, we're going to have to kill her." Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave the horse the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said, Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to kill you! On the second day, they again gave the horse the medicine and left. The goat came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..." On the third day, they came to give the horse the medicine and the vet said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to kill her tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses." After they left, the goat approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on... Get up... Get up... That's it, slowly... Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yes! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!" All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party."He called his servant, "Tunde, kill and prepare the goat!"😀😂😂😂😂

    25-04-19

    👇
    RESULTS
    A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.  Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, well let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."  The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"  St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."😀😁😂😂😂

    24-04-19

    👇
    IDIOT
    A preacher was giving his sermon one Sunday morning when a note was passed to him. The only word written on it was "IDIOT"Looking up at the Congregation the Preacher smiled and said, "I've heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names, but this is the first time I've seen someone sign his name and forget to write the letter."😀😁😂😂

    👇

    23-04-19
    Bank Loan
    I am in search of a bank which can perform 2 things for me...1) Give me a loan.2) Then leave me alone!😀😁😂😂


    22-04-19

    GIRL
    G – Ghost
    I – In
    R – Real
    L – Life So Avoid Girls
    &
    Forward Their Numbers To Me…
    Don’t Worry Abt My Life. . .
    I’m A Professional. . .
    GHOST RIDER… ;->😁😂😂
    😀😁😂😂😂

    21-04-19

    👇
    Nigerians Crossing The Red Sea

    If The children of Israel were Nigerians! While crossing d red sea, they would've wasted the whole day in the middle of the sea taking 'pictures' and uploading on Facebook and Twitter with comments like: 1. Chilling with Moses. 2. Miracle things on point. 3. Crossing mode activated! 4. Cruising in the red sea. 5. Pharaoh no fit catch us. 6. Omo see fish flexing. 7. Fish for sale, ping for delivery. 8. Flexing with Uncle Aaron. 9. Swimming mode activated! 10. Me and my boo on fish hunting. True or False?😀😁😂😂


    20-04-19

    👇
    Suck Me
    You pick me up, you remove my cloth and suck me. You suck me and suck me, you suck my juice until it's dry and throw me away like a piece of rubbish...   Stop thinking so far and wild, it's just an orange. You all have bad minds.😀😁😂😂

    19-04-19

    👇
    Family Tree
    A man, who just got tested of HIV called his mom: MAN: Mom, I have tested positive.MOTHER: HAAA! Don't come back home my son, DO NOT COME BACK HOME!MAN: Why mom, I'm still your son for Christ sake?MOTHER: You see my son, if you come back home, then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your DADDY, from your daddy to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from him to me, from me to the gardener, from the gardener to your sister. And if your sister gets infected, then the whole village is in trouble! So in the name of God don't Come back.😀😂😂😂


    18-04-19
    👇
    Alphabetical Order
    A pilot announced, "Ladies & Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggages must be thrown out."A little later, the pilot says, "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin."The plane continues it's descent despite more things being thrown out. The pilot announced again, "Still going down, we must throw out some people"There's a big gasp from the passengers! Then the pilot said, "But to make this fair, passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order. So A, any Africans on board?" No one moves."B, any Blacks on board?" No one moves."C, any Coloureds on board?" Still no one moves."D, any Darkies?"A little black Nigerian boy asks his dad, "Dad, what are we?"His Dad replied, "Tonight son, we are Zombies"

    17-04-19
    👇
    M O.M
    A boy went to his mom to ask for money:SON: Mom, I need some money to buy a bicycle MOM: What do you think I am made of money?SON: Isn't that what MOM stands for?😀😂😂


    16-04-19
    👇
    COSTLY MISTAKE
    A man got this message from his neighbour; "Sir, I am so sorry but I have this confession to make. I have been sharing your wife with you behind your back day and night and mostly when you are not in town. I have used your wife in my kitchen, bedroom, parlour and also in your own apartment and at times right under your nose. I have to also admit that I have used your wife more than you do. I feel I should let you know cause I feel so guilty. I promise never to do it again".The man was so mad that he shot his wife dead! Few minutes later he received another message from the same neighbour stating;  "So sorry for the spelling mistake. I meant to write WIFI and not WIFE!"If you were the husband, what will you do? 😸😹😹😂





    15-04-19


    👇
    STUPID STUDENTS
    TEACHER: Who is the President of Nigeria? CHILDREN: (They all chorused) Lamido Sanusi! TEACHER: Correct! Who is the Minister of Defence? CHILDREN: Asari Dokubo! TEACHER: Good! What is the capital city of Nigeria? CHILDREN: Enugu! TEACHER: Very good! Who composed the National Anthem? CHILDREN: D-Banj! TEACHER: Excellent. What do you call people from Moscow?CHILDREN: Mosquitoes! TEACHER: Perfect! How much is 2 + 5?CHILDREN: 25!TEACHER: That's great! You're going to be stupid like this until your government increases my salary!
    😀😁😂😂








    14-04-19


    👇
    FINISHED
    The real meaning of I'm finished is when at night you lock the door to kill a snake and then electricity goes off...😐😀😁😂😂





    13-04-19


    👇
    IDIOT
    Son: Dad, what is an idiot?  Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him cant understand him. Do you understand me?  Son: No.😀😁😂😂






    12-04-19


    👇
    RELATIVE





    WIFE: I should have married the devil. Even he would make a better husband than you.HUSBAND: But honey, marriage between relatives is illegal.😀😁😂😂





    11-04-19


    👇
    CRASHES
    Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.   "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.  Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.   In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."  "Sure," says the GM chairman.   "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"😀😂😂😂





    10-04-19


    👇
    Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain.   On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.😀😁😂





    09-04-19


    👇
    SHOTGUN 
    A man had a party where all the rich people attend.   And then he had a pool with alligators.   So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.   But no one wanted to go for the challenge.   All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like hell and finaly came out alive.   So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"   The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the damn idiot that pushed me in ...."😂😂😂




    08-04-19


    👇
    THE SMITH
    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening   the front door.   "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil   all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move   until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."   "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,   it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one   for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No   more was said about the "statue."   Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the   kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he   said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's   for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."😀😂😂😂






    07-04-19


    👇
    Finally Together.

    Agnes married and had 13 children.   When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.   Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.   Alas, she finally died.  Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.   He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, they're finally together.  One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"   The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."😀😁😂😂😂

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